Internet Identity

Internet Identity

            I remember it clearly, one day into my early pre-teen years the cable man showed up and installed what he called dial-up Internet. He said it was something revolutionary but I had no idea what he was talking about nor did I know the impact this would have on my life. As a child struggling with to come to terms with my identity and with little to no role models I spent my days sulking. There was no drive or content just sulking. I did not know who I was and I had no one to guide me, that is until we got the Internet. Overnight I had been granted access to the world and all from the comfort of my desk. I used the Internet on a day-by-day basis to learn more and more. I frequented blogs, social media, music sites, fashion magazines and Google all to help me piece together my identity.

            A blog is defined as a regularly updated website, run by an individual or small group written in a conversational style but to me the meaning was simple a blog was a magazine. It was something to “flip” through until something grabbed your attention. Much like magazines, blogs gave me access to people’s personal lives and deepest thoughts. I was able to go through the thinking process that kids my age were going through without actually going through it. The bloggers shared the same fear and concerns as me and this was comforting. The bloggers though completely anonymous felt like brothers to me. I started to feel like I was not alone and it was one the pages of blog that I saw the word “gay” for the first time in my life.

            Today we have Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat but when I was a “rebellious teen” we had MySpace. MySpace was it. MySpace was where cool kids and outcasts alike could be cool. MySpace with its backgrounds, profile layouts and music player was the one social media site that allowed you to be you in every way possible. Sadly my MySpace was just as conservative and timid as I was. In stark contrast were all the random kids I “friended”. They owned who they were. They were upfront and unapologetic in all their posts. They did not care what you thought; instead they lived their lives how they wanted to live them. They were what I wanted to be.

            Music has always been around but because I was basically poor it did not become readily available to me until the Internet became readily available. Before the Internet I thought I did not like music because it had never called to me. Then I heard “Emotions” by Mariah Carey and my downward spiral began. “Honey”, “Vision of Love”, “Dreamlover”, “Hero” and “Fantasy” there was so much to love from this woman who sang with more emotion than I had experienced in my life. Shortly after I found Whitney Houston, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, Britney Spears, Ciara, Destiny’s Child, Beyonce and Lady Gaga. They sang about love, loss, identity, friends, family and just having a good time. They did it all while being unapologetic and being themselves. They exuded confidence through their music so I listened religiously hoping some of it would rub off on me.

            I could not afford a magazine subscription so I had to find everything online. It was difficult but not impossible. My favorite fashion magazine by far was V magazine. It was fairly new to the magazine scene but to me everything about it was new. The first cover I experienced was Gwen Stefani’s fall 2004 cover. It was gorgeous. The lighting, the look, the clothes and the talent were all perfect. I had never before seen such confidence in a photo or so much expression through clothing. I also loved Vogue and Bazaar I would look for the ads in these two. I knew very well that the retailers paid so much money to advertise their even more expensive garments and this was part of the allure. The other part was the simple fact that the clothes were gorgeous; prints and designs I had never seen. Fashion magazines taught me how to express myself with clothes, a feat I thought was impossible.

            Lastly there was Google. I went about my day-to-day life with a small notepad always in my pocket. In it I would write down words, ideas and concepts I heard but did not know or understand. When I got home I would put it all into Google. Through this tedious process I learned most of what I know today. I learned about words, slang, historical events, people, cultures and sub-cultures. I loved Goggle because it taught me things I wasn’t taught in school. I loved expanding my knowledge even if it was just one word at a time.

            I still remember it clearly, how one day one man walked into my house and installed a seemingly simple device onto our computer. He warned me that it was something revolutionary but I did not heed his warning. I wandered into the depths of the Internet and discovered more than I could have ever bargained for. I discovered good and bad alike, lies and truth alike. I discovered heroes and I discovered villains, but most importantly I discovered that there was more to me than I had ever imagined was possible.